Reviews

Reviews of the games I play, aiming to quickly encapsulate the game’s essence and quirks. Most games have an audience; my goal is for the review to make it clear to you whether you are part of a game’s audience (whether or not I am).

Capsule Review: how do you Do It?

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An extremely short game where you play as a preteen girl trying to figure out sex by bumping her Barbie and Ken dolls together in the minute or two before her mother gets home. You control - loosely - the position of the dolls, and then you’re given a tally of how many times you “might have done sex” and are either caught by mom or put the dolls away just in time to avoid this fate. Either way, the game ends.

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Capsule Review: Capitals

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The best competitive spelling game I’ve ever played. Two players compete for territory on a hex grid; each player starts with one hex of territory that is designated their “Capital.” Hexes next to active territory have random letters displayed and can be used to spell words. Players take turns spelling words to take territory - any hex you use that is next to your territory (or chains back to your territory through other letters you’re using this turn) becomes your territory, and any enemy territory adjacent to territory you take reverts to neutral and becomes letters for the next turn. Capturing an enemy Capital grants an extra turn and causes another of their hexes to be assigned their new Capital. The game ends when one player has no territory left.

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Capsule Review: Bonza Word Puzzle

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A sort of inverted crossword puzzle where you are given several clumps of letters that must be arranged on a grid to spell intersecting words that all match the specified clue. Clues might be cateories (“Winter Sports”), incomplete phrases that each word completes (“Eye of the…”), or themes (“Christmas Day”).

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Capsule Review: Moirai

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A free ten-minute experiment in player motivations, trust, and violence. It’s an interesting idea, but not much else, and the quality of the experience can vary widely from person to person. There’s also perhaps a bit too much exploratory freedom; it’s possible to miss the path to the game’s most important content without realizing you’ve done so. But the mechanic being explored is decently thought-provoking and the setup creates a strong enough atmosphere to have a decent chance at distracting you from overthinking things before the veil is lifted.

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Capsule Review: MonsterBag

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A weird little puzzle game where you play as a… monster… bag… thing and try to catch up to the girl who is your friend and/or owner. You do this by hopping from person to person while remaining undetected - get seen and you fail and are kicked back to your last “checkpoint” hop. The checkpoints feel arbitrary, as do the people who can see you, and some folks have arbitrary barriers as well - for example, for some reason you apparently can’t hop to someone who’s really into the music they’re listening to. You get past these barriers by using the touchscreen to have weird arbitrary effects on the environment or throw objects at people. Apparently you’re telekinetic? At least for certain arbitrary objects. The puzzles felt contrived and constrained, such that they weren’t satisfying to complete and I didn’t feel like I was solving them so much as finding the hoop the game wanted me to jump through. There also wasn’t enough characterization of either the bag or the girl for me to care enough about reuniting them to motivate me to slog through the puzzles, so I put the game down pretty quickly.

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Capsule Review: Poi

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A 3D platformer strongly influenced by Super Mario 64. Play as a boy or a girl with a moveset nearly identical to Mario’s and explore levels and complete objectives to collect stars Explorer Medallions that unlock more levels. There are a handful of large-ish nonlinear levels that each contain several objectives, a bunch of smaller linear challenge levels that reward you for reaching the end, and a variety of collectibles/discoverables that can be turned in for medallions as well. There’s a lot to do and you have pretty broad freedom in the order in which you tackle it, though the harder levels don’t become available until you’ve gathered some medallions in the easier ones. A full playthrough, collecting all medallions, took me almost exactly ten hours.

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Capsule Review: Cat Poke HD

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A short (half an hour or so, depending on how quickly you figure out some of the more obtuse puzzles) and simple point-and-click adventure masquerading as a puzzle platformer. You must use all the tools at your disposal - various kinds of movement and light platforming as well as inventory-based puzzles - to poke each of the nine cats in the house. The control scheme is awkward and some of the puzzles require major intuitive leaps, but it’s quick and cute.

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Capsule Review: Cat Poke

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A short (half an hour or so, depending on how quickly you figure out some of the more obtuse puzzles) and simple point-and-click adventure masquerading as a puzzle platformer. You must use all the tools at your disposal - various kinds of movement and light platforming as well as inventory-based puzzles - to poke each of the nine cats in the house. The control scheme is awkward and some of the puzzles require major intuitive leaps, but it’s quick and cute.

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Capsule Review: Dinner Date

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A barely interactive game where you spend about twenty minutes directing the idle glances and hand movements of a 27-year-old man being stood up for a date. The story is mainly experienced by listening to his thoughts as he tries to figure out where his lovelife and career are going. His struggles are plausible but pretty typical and he’s not especially likable or interesting, so it’s hard to get invested - especially since the player’s actions have no real effect on the game’s events or on the character’s mood. They mostly just provide window dressing while the character narrates, so the uniqueness of the premise and mechanics is not put to good use.

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Capsule Review: don't take it personally, babe, it just ain't your story

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A visual novel in which you are a high school teacher in a not-too-far future where your students have never known a world without social networks. There’s a lot of reading as you spend most of your time talking to your students or snooping on their online conversations, though unlike some of Christine Love’s other work every character has portraits accompanying their dialog so it’s easy to keep them straight.

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